A COLLECTION OF NEW ZORK TIMES HOROSCOPES Copyright (c) Infocom Transcribed by Graeme Cree INFOCOM HOROSCOPE (Spring 1984; page 3) HELLHOUND (March 21 to April 18) * Don't eat any foods with names beginning with a G or a Y, such as grapes or yogurt. This is a good week to learn Latin. GRUE (April 19 to May 20) * Procrastination is ill-advised, especially if you were considering software purchases. Avoid zoos and art museums. DRYAD (May 21 to May 24) * This is a good time to experiment with hair replacement techniques. Consider selling any kitchen appliance that you've had for over six years. DORN ( May 25 to May 27) * Don't go swimming if you've eaten in the last thirty minutes. Wear a scarf if it's less than forty degrees outside. Call your mother. BROGMOID (May 28 to November 19) * If you've ever robbed any banks, today is a good day to apologize and start life anew. Sell all your U.S. Steel stock at once. BLOODWORM (November 20) * Wait 24 hours, then buy all the U.S. Steel stock you can get your hands on. Do not taunt snakes or bus drivers. YIPPLE (November 21, until 3:00 p.m.) * Give flowers to your mate. Buy a house. Eat three cookies. Fly to France. Challenge your dentist to a duel. SURMIN (November 21, after 3:00 p.m.) * Spend time with a sick friend. This is crucial. If necessary, take a healthy friend and expose him/her to a contagious disease. ROTGRUB (November 22 to January 3, January 18 to March 20) * An old business partner will meet you in the fruit and vegetable aisle of the supermarket. Be wary: if you chat there too long, the store will be sold out of casaba melons. KOBOLD (January 4 to January 17, except where prohibited by law) * Don't marry anyone named Waldo or Matilda this week. Next week marry ONLY people named Waldo or Matilda. ORC (anyone born in Cleveland or on a national holiday) * Avoid reading your horoscope today. It will only be misleading, dangerous, and possibly even fatal. NABIZ (all redheads born during a total eclipse) * Talk to strangers. Frequent dark alleys. Cross the street without looking both ways. Eat quickly without chewing well. Don't call your mother. ========================================================================= YOUR WEEKLY HOROSCOPE BY OMAR (The Status Line; Summer 1986; page 2) LUGNUT (April 3 to May 14) * Use the number "eleven as many times as possible this week. You have a speck of food on your cheek. There you go. PANCREAS (May 15 to Jun...oh, let's say 22) * This is a good week to bake muffins at altitudes higher than 14,000 feet. Consider making a new friend, preferably one who won't embarass you in restaurants by making loud snorts and clucks. CRANBERRY (June 23 to July 3) * That great-looking power broker you've had your eye on just started dating a squash pro. Oh well, it looks like you got shot down again. You're really a loser at love. MANGE (July 4) * Avoid violent anti-capitalist insurrection this week. This is a good time to put down those readings of Marx and Trotsky, and to really feel good about the ol' red, white, and blue. FATTY ACID (July 5 to August 17) * Due to planetary conflicts, your sign has been accidentally deleted. Until this situation is remedied by the proper celestial entities, why not forge a new birth certificate under a different sign? (Don't pick PANCREAS though - you should see what's in store for them next week!) PROTOZOA (August 18 to September 12) * Be wary of any clones that you have made of yourself in the last twenty-four hours. Avoid dishpan hands, especially if you live alone, or with a mollusk. FLAMINGO (September 12 to mid-December) * It's time to confront that crisis that's been threatening your life for the last month or so. Try a new breath mint. At all costs, avoid the Greek alphabet. CADAVER (The rest of December to February 3) * If you're planning a holiday, don't leave out Fitzwilliam, New Hampshire, as a possible stop-over or final destination. Exclude curry dishes and fine Italian chianti from your diet this week. RAWHIDE (February 4 to April 2) * It's a good week to break promises, commit lewd acts, and in any way harm your fellow creatures. Then make it up to them by reupholstering their cars and living rooms with shocking-pink nylon. DIRIGIBLE (Those born against their will) * Sell your stamp collection. Bring the world to its knees. Slurp loudly tonight at dinner. Convert yourself to the metric system. Wear a hotdog as a tie. Divest. LIMPKIN (Those born by contractual obligation) * A supernova in a distant galaxy has opened new career paths for you. Take advantage of this once-in-a-half-life opportunity, and seek employment in organized crime or at an artificial turf dealership. MAN-HOUR (Those not yet born, or born in a funny position) * Don't trust anyone, not even yourself. Stay inside and keep your doors and windows locked. Carry a loaded shotgun on your person. Begin to hoard canned food and medical supplies. Don't pick up the phone. Don't respond to any chain letters or enter in any sweepstakes, even if you may have already won a fabulous prize.